


The Secrets of Men

by Coolbeanzed



Category: Bring Me The Horizon
Genre: Angst, Gay, Gay Sex, LGBTQ Themes, Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-21
Updated: 2018-08-28
Packaged: 2019-06-30 14:38:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15753738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coolbeanzed/pseuds/Coolbeanzed
Summary: Oli is happily engaged and about to be married to his fiancée of several years - Hannah.It’s all going to plan, that is, until Oli has to get involved with planning - then he meets someone who will change his life forever.Will the wedding go ahead?How will Oli handle the changes?Will Oli and Hannah survive?





	1. Chapter 1

Oli rushed around trying to get everything ticked off the list he'd been given by Hannah for the wedding. It was only going to be small, they were going down to Brighton to get married on the beach. But Hannah had a very particular vision that included lots of lanterns lighting up the field where the reception would be held. Oli was tasked with the music, and the lights. Everything else was under Hannah's control - and he was happy to let her sort it all out. That way, if anything went wrong, at least it wouldn't be his fault.

‘Lights and music, Oli. Lights.’ He thought to himself repeatedly.

He went to the light fittings shop that his fiancée had pointed out a few weeks before and was greeted by a cool-looking guy with a friendly smile and big bright eyes.  
"Morning! Can I help you with anything?"

"Hiya, yeah - umm...I'm looking for some of these like big lantern type things.." He took a moment to glance around the shop, this man's big eyes were distracting - they were far too direct. 

"Yeah we've got lots of lanterns out back, what are they being used for?"

"They're for decoration to go round a field basically - they're for a wedding." ‘A wedding?! Say 'my wedding' you moron’ Oli berated himself guiltily - it still all felt quite surreal.

"Oh cool, yeah we've got some that would be suitable for that, come through....yeah so we've got the traditional English style ones or more middle-eastern style ones?"

"Yeah those ones."

"Awesome, how many do you need?"

"Well I wanted your advice on that actually...the field's that one just outside the town where they do the fairs and carnivals?”

"Oh yeah I know it. Nice setting for a reception - probably around 50-100 then for that. You could get them in different sizes which would help lower the cost a bit too. Is there gonna be a marquee?" Oli nodded.

"You want those in there or..?"

"Uh no she wants little lights for in there. Like the ones on the string..."

"Oh yeah like these?" He was a great help in steering Oli towards the more tasteful, feminine choices for a wedding.

"Because you're ordering so many, I can find out from my boss if we can give you a better deal on the price, and I can find out if you want them on loan rather than actually buying them?"

"God, yeah I didn't even think of that - who needs 100 lanterns around the house afterwards." They both laughed and the shop assistant tried to ring his boss a couple of times with no luck.

"Really sorry, he's not answering his phone, can I either call you back when I hear from him or if you want to come back around closing time?"

"No worries I've got plenty to do today so I can come back around closing."

"Ok great I'll see you then."

"Thanks very much for your help mate, I wouldn't have been any use doing this by myself."

"No problem...?" He trailed off, probing for his name.

"Oli." They shook hands.

"I'm Jordan, you're welcome. Weddings are complicated! It's easy to get a bit lost with stuff like this. So who do you know that's getting married?"

"Me!"

"O-oh! You? Oh cool! Wow, congratulations!"

"Yeah thanks, ok I'll see you later."

"Yep, bye...." Oli headed out towards a nearby music shop that his friend Andy ran.

Jordan met up with his best friend Emma for lunch.  
"Oh my god Ems you won't believe what I did." She chuckled around a mouthful of sandwich and rolled her eyes.

"I bet I will totally believe it - what happened?"

"So, I'm at the shop and this really hot guys comes in and is looking for lights for this wedding, and he has no idea what he's doing and he's so fucking sexy- so I'm like listening to him explain what he wants, and he can't even meet my eyes like he's all shy and everything-"

"You didn't have sex in the shop again."

"I wish! No. So I assume he's gay - like you just did. And I help him with all the lights and stuff and he makes a big thing of saying thank you and everything, so I ask I'm who he's knows that's getting married, because when I asked him what the lights were being used for he just said 'a wedding' not 'my wedding.' And he goes 'me.'" Emma giggled into her hand.

"Oh boy. Well, we don't know he's marrying a woman. Maybe he did like the look of you but couldn't do anything yknow-"

"No, he said 'she wants..blah blah blah..he's 'straight.'" 

"Why 'straight'?" Emma mimicked his air quotes.

"He was flustered - I'm telling you."

"I know you're beautiful and everything sweetie - but maybe he was just shy?" Jordan's food arrived.

"I'm telling you I'm right about this one."

"Ok, well what does it matter? He's getting married?"

"Maybe it's my duty to point out to him that he likes willy." She shook her head at him, giggling at his antics.

"You are so bad - maybe he's bi?! Like there's so many explanations for what happened earlier, he's ordered the lights you're probably never gonna see him again. Just leave it, forget this guy- he can't be that hot."

"Oh trust me he- oh fuck he's over there." Emma glanced over to the other side of the restaurant and turned back round nodding.

"Ok. Yep. He's gorgeous."

"I know." He sulked.

"Eat your food. Trust you to have your head turned for the time in months by a - probably - straight married guy. In Brighton - the motherland of everything gay." Jordan nodded pulling a mocking sad face.

"You'll get over it."

"Thanks a lot- so what's going on with you?"

Oli noticed Jordan from the shop sitting in the corner with a beautiful blonde at lunch. They must be a couple. Why was he thinking about that? He got back to listening to Andy discussing the list of musicians he had.

"They sound good - can we ask for a few of your favourites to play for us and we'll pick? I can't really choose without hearing."

"Yeah I've already posted up an audition type thing on the Facebook - Friday evening, is that ok with you?"

"That's great. Get me out the house for a while, I love her but she's going nuts over all the details, she's on the phone or stressing out 24/7. I wish she could just enjoy it, y’know?”

"This is what funerals- sorry, weddings, do you to man. How come you're not getting your guys or You Me at Six to do the music?"

"We've had a falling out, we asked Jona to leave. So we don't have anyone to play the piano for the aisle song, or keyboard on these songs for the reception. And I just want all those guys to be chilling out and being there with us, you know? I don't want them being the entertainment." Andy nodded.

"Well these guys are the best I think personally. Specially for the songs you've chosen..." Oli glanced back and saw Jordan blatantly and very loudly flirting with a muscular, tattooed waiter and the blonde woman was laughing quietly. Not a couple after all....he looked back at the table quickly, his heart pounding. He was obviously getting nervous about the big day.

Oli really didn't want to go back to the shop and considered just not showing and going somewhere else, but he felt bad as Jordan had been really helpful so he went anyway.  
The sign said 'closed' and Oli cursed under his breath, thinking Jordan had obviously forgotten he was returning. Maybe he'd had an offer from that waiter in the restaurant- Oli knocked on the door and told himself off for being so ridiculous. Jordan appeared and let him in with a smile.

"Hey good to see you- can I get you a drink while we talk over all the details?"

"Uh sure- thanks a tea would be great." 

"Something stronger?"

"Teetotal, but thank you." Jordan nodded and went into the back, but he kept talking so Oli followed him.

"So great news, my boss gave me a couple of options for you- he said that you can have the lights on loan and pay a set figure, and a deposit which, assuming the lights don't get damaged you will get back on return of the items." He brushed past Oli to get into the fridge in the narrow kitchen, Oli felt oddly nervous and wished they were out in a more open space. Jordan's shirt rode up when he bent over to get the milk out of the fridge. His back had a soft dip in between two ridges of muscle - Oli looked away.

"Or...if you want to buy them - if you think they'll get damaged - then he'll give you a discount which...I can't actually remember the figure I'll have to check the paperwork." He flitted around the kitchen and Oli became more and more flustered especially as he managed to get herded away from the door rather than towards it.

"Sorry can I just get a spoon-“ Oli jumped out of his skin when Jordan touched his lower back, to guide him out of the way of the drawer he was opening to get a teaspoon.

"Sorry- I-“ He stammered out a broken apology and rushed out in a fit of embarrassment. But then Jordan pulled him back. Oli’s face had lost that lovely smile and was serious, he was standing as stiff as a board and had Jordan not been right up in his space it almost would've looked funny. But then he was kissing him and when Jordan's hands roamed up around his neck Oli's shoulders dropped from their tensed up state and he suddenly pulled him in by that tight waist and kissed him back hard. When his brain processed the fact he was being kissed - extremely well - by another man, less than four weeks away from his wedding, Oli shoved him back suddenly, breathing hard.

"I'm sorry, man I-" Jordan tried to diffuse the panic on the other man’s face.

"Can we just get this over with please, she's not gonna be happy if I go back without having sorted either of the things I was meant to do today-"

"You're just ignoring that...?" Jordan gestured to where they had been standing a moment ago.

"Yes. Why wouldn't I?"

"Umm because you kissed me back. Or is that a normal thing for you to go around kissing blokes when you're getting married to a woman-"

"You kissed me, ok. And you're lucky I'm not the kind of guy to kick off about it-"

"Oh wow, what cause if you were I'd get the shit kicked out of me or something?" Jordan mocked him, angry at the thinly veiled threat.

"That's not- can we just sort out the lights, please?" The desperation in his voice made the anger go away.

"Have you ever kissed a guy before?" He asked lowly, looking at Oli’s swollen lips.

"No...of course not-"

"Cause it's OK if you have - it's also-"

"Jordan. Please." He concedes and they headed out of the kitchen to the computer. Jordan sat on the barstool by the till and went through the paperwork quietly with him. Oli just tried to focus on the pages and not look at him, but he did, and when he did Jordan was looking at him already. Oli ducked down and caught his lips again. Jordan turned round slowly and kissed him back. He was gentle but firm. Firm in his grip that settled on the back of his neck. Strong hands, stronger legs that rested on either side of his hips. His stubble scratched his chin and jaw, and his manly smell of cologne and skin filled his nose. Oli pulled back slightly somewhere around the point that they were both panting so hard the breaths were nearly moans. He caught Jordan's wrists in his hands and tried to gather himself. What was he doing? What was he doing?

"Hey-" Oli opened his eyes and took a step back so they couldn't kiss again so easily.

"Don't freak out, ok?" Jordan stood slowly from the chair and approached Oli even slower.

"What the fuck am I doing I'm getting married-

"Don't ignore this." Jordan pushed him into another hard kiss, sloppy, tongues battling for dominance and hips rubbing together. 

"I've got to go-"

"You haven't-"

"We'll loan them. You have my name, number and card details. Let me know if there's anything else you need-" Jordan called his name before he got out the door.

"Oli-" he paused, looking back.

"You know where I am." Jordan said with a shrug. Oli just closed his eyes, resisted the urge to rush back inside and kiss him again and do whatever else was starting to enter his head and left the building. Left Brighton. He was glad of the busy train journey back home to London - had he been alone he might've done something stupid like get off the train and get a different one back there. Back to him.

What had he done?

By the time he got home Oli felt like he was so wound up he could run so fast he'd burst out of his skin. Hannah was taken aback when he lifted her onto the back of the sofa and kissed her hard without even saying hello. Luckily he knew just how to kiss and touch her because otherwise she might've had time to say no. But clearly this authoritative Oli was doing something for her and after a lot of foreplay he turned her over and was squeezing lube onto his fingers and teasing her ass. She arched upwards.

"What are you doing?!"

"What do you think." A little whimper left her lips and Oli caught them in another kiss, prepping her roughly until she got used to the sensation and even started to enjoy it. There was a cloud of nervousness there, of course there was, but from the wetness his knuckles kept brushing up against he could tell that a little bit of fear might not be so bad. He slid inside her arse and tried not to picture that toned, manly back underneath his hands instead of her smooth, delicate one. He failed.

Afterwards he was still wound up and so was she from the new experience she'd just had and she continued kissing him until he was hard again and then rode him until they both came.  
"Oh my god." She giggled breathily and collapsed on his chest.

"Yeah."

"Where'd that come from?"

"Just couldn't stop thinking about you all day. Didn't have time this morning."

"I mean the other thing. You've never said you wanted to try anal before." Oli shrugged.

"Just suddenly had the urge."

The following four days were tense and long, with Oli either being irritable or frustratingly horny. Then it was Friday and he was having to return to Brighton to hear the musicians.  
"Hey! I convinced Sean to swap shifts, so I can come hear the musicians play with you!" Hannah announced as she bounded back into their apartment.

"Oh that's great! Let's go." 

They got there a bit late and all the musicians were ready and waiting. Andy let them each play a bit of some of their songs, and one by one they either selected or crossed off the list. It was a long process and Oli was a bit grumpy but having Hannah there meant he could just agree with what she said rather than having to make the decisions himself.

"Ok so she was shit....we've got another keyboard/piano player waiting though- Jordan you wanna come in?" Oli glanced up and immediately felt the blood rush to his face when he saw the man from the light shop walk in. When he saw him he did a much better of job of hiding his mortification at the situation.

"Oli?? Hey man! I didn't realise this was for your wedding!" Oli felt sick when Jordan didn’t pretend he didn’t know him. What the hell was he doing? Was he going to talk about what they’d done? Oli’s heart jumped up into his throat.

"Jordan, hi..." They shook hands and he fought away the flashback of those hands roaming his body.

"You must be his lovely fiancée!" Oli felt panic surging up as he shook hands with Hannah and kissed her cheek.

"Hi! Yeah I'm Hannah. How do you two know each other?"

"We met yesterday actually, I-" Oli cut him off, terrified he was about to tell her.

"Jordan works at the place that's doing the lights for us."

"Oh wow! How funny!"

"Yeah it is isn't it." Oli said in a slightly grimmer tone of voice than he'd been intending to.

"So...what song shall I play?"

Jordan was an excellent pianist. He made Hannah cry when playing the song she'd picked to walk down the aisle to.  
"Oh- Jordan you're perfect, Oli he's perfect we need him. And he's doing the lights I mean he's literally perfect."

"Yeah...." She hugged him excitedly and Oli just looked at him bleakly.

Jordan stayed to help them pick out the last of the other musicians and when they'd all gone and Hannah was talking to Andy, Oli practically dragged him out into the hallway.  
"I didn't-"

"Bullshit you didn't know!" He hissed angrily, arm at Jordan's throat.

"I didn't I swear! You think I wanted this?!” He shoved Oli backwards. “This is the most awkward fucking situation of my life-you're not that hot!"

"Not what you were saying yesterday-"

"You're one to talk-" Jordan shoved him back and kissed him again, Oli pushed him away and brushed his lips on his sleeve in shock.

"They're right in there!!!!! What the fuck, Jordan!"

"Oh sure so it's only ok when we're not about to get caught." He stated, crossing his arms over his chest - Oli tried not to pay attention to his lean arms in another tight shirt.

"It's never ok! Never ever!" 

"You fucking want it though. I can see it. I can feel it. It's coming off you in waves-"

"Shut up."

"You can get mad and blame me and whatever, but at the end of the day you get turned on by kissing me. And that's nothing to do with ‘fault’ or me. That's just you. You can’t help it. Nor can I.”

"Stop it-"

"Did you get excited the other night? Did you go home and fuck her?" Oli tried to walk away but he pinned him back against the wall with his hips.

"Was it the best sex you've had in a while?" The arousal pooled in his crotch and he could hear his pulse in his head.

"Fuck you-"

"I bet you wish you could. Did you fuck her in the arse and pretend it was me?" Oli shoved him back just before his fiancée and friend walked out to join them.

"Let's go for dinner!"

"A-all four of us?" Oli asked, a little breathless.

"Yeah! It'll be fun! I want to chat to Jordan some more."

"Didn't you have plans?" Oli asked him, Jordan's eyes narrowed slightly and he smiled brightly at Hannah.

"Sounds great - that's tomorrow night. I'm free as a bird this evening.”

Oli yanked him back by his elbow as they headed out.

"What are you trying to do to me?!"

"Make you see that you're kidding yourself."

Oli followed his friend, his fiancée and his gay lover to a bar and wondered what the punch line of this terrible joke would be.


	2. Chapter 2

At the table Jordan too often rested his hand on Oli's leg, or squeezed it teasingly. Oli hardly managed to eat anything due to his nerves and by the time they left, Oli was sweating and horribly aroused.

"Actually Oli can I borrow you for a minute back at the shop? I was hoping to get your approval for the first batch, they arrived today."

"Sounds good. Nope you're not allowed to come - the lights are my thing." He sent Hannah off with Andy to get more drinks and when they got to the light shop they didn't even get upstairs, they ended up on the stairs kissing furiously and tearing one another's clothes off, frantically moving to just get more friction...

Jordan opened their jeans and pulled their cocks out so he could thrust against Oli and actually feel him against him rather than through their tight jeans. Oli came first, desperate and hard. Jordan flopped down just above him and they caught their breath.

"Shit - how long have we been gone for?!” Oli asked, having been so lost in the other man he had no idea what the time was.

"Uh...five minutes." They glanced at one another and burst out laughing before Oli chastised himself for being amused at this utter car crash of a situation.

"God this is fucked up." He groaned, covering his face wearily.

"Yeah but I want to go again so hold that thought." Jordan climbed back on top of him for round two.

"Oli...what are you gonna do?" Jordan asked quietly as they redressed.

"I don't know." He admitted, finally being honest.

"I know it's not what you wanna hear but just being honest is-"

"Is not something I can think about right now."

"Well maybe you should because you've only got just over two weeks left before you get married."

"I know." He looked up at Jordan and crumpled. Jordan didn't think he'd let him hug him but he did. And he hugged him back hard.

"We really should get back now..." Oli said, looking defeated, and they went back to the bar.

"How are the lights looking?!" Hannah asked excitedly when they sat down with them.

"Complex." She pulled a face at his odd choice of word.

"Is...that a good thing?"

"Yeah for sure, it's just gonna be a task to sort it all out!" He offered Jordan a small smile and he wondered, hopeful for a moment, if Oli might be starting to see the light.

 

It was the night before the two days of assembling the field reception before the wedding. Jordan was looking at a box of lanterns sadly when someone came in the shop.  
"We're closed!"

"Hey."

"Oli!" He smiled and took off his coat which was dripping with water.

"It's terrible weather you should've called I would've-" Oli interrupted his words with a long kiss.

"Where's your place?"

They were there in ten minutes and stripping each other down. Jordan hadn't expected Oli to immediately drop to his knees and start sucking him off but that's exactly what he did. He tried to take him deep and gagged a few times, so he resorted to touching him and sucking the tip, palming his balls gently. He was inexperienced but the image in front of Jordan was so hot he wouldn't have had it any other way.

Hannah came home early from her dinner with her bridesmaids and called out to Oli.  
"Babe! Can you call Jordan for me, I don't have his number! We've decided to go for Sail Away instead for the aisle song-" She cut herself off when she saw his note and realised he wasn't there.

"With Josh and Matt and some of the others..going over some stuff....well that's really helpful Oli, thanks." She rolled her eyes at her absent fiancée's note on the coffee table and called him. 

Oli's phone was on silent so it sat vibrating quietly, sound muffled by the pile of Oli's clothes it was buried under in the corner of the room and overshadowed by the loud moaning that could be heard both in Jordan's and the surrounding apartments.

"For god's sake..." Hannah called Josh instead after trying Oli twice.

"Hey Hannah, what's up?" She got an answer immediately, it sounded unusually quiet in the background.

"Hi Josh can you put Oli on the phone for me please?"

"Would if i could my love, he's not here though."

"What?"

"He's not here."

"He left a note saying he was going to see you and the guys because you all had to go over stuff??"

"....he's probably off out planning a surprise for you or something...?"

"Oh my god what if he's legged it?!"

"Ok calm down I'll try and get hold of him ok? If I can I'll let you know."

"Thanks Josh." She hung up and bit her thumb nail anxiously, thinking of all the reasons - good and bad - why Oli would lie.

Josh called around all their friends after having no luck reaching the soon-to-be groom. No luck with any of them either. He called Oli's brother who also hadn't heard from him. Then he remembered Andy who hadn't heard from him but gave him Jordan's number just in case he'd gone to him about anything.

Oli and Jordan were catching their breath when his phone rang.  
"Shit..." He leant over Oli to get it.

"Hello? Yeah this is Jordan. Josh? Oh, hi man! What's up?" Oli frowned at his sudden panic and the way he sat up quickly.  
"You're looking for Oli?" He asked loudly, gesturing to Oli who sprang upwards and shook his head, then nodded, then pulled a panicked face that practically screamed ‘help me!'

"Yeah he's here, man. Why what's up? Everything ok? Oh...oh sure...' He laughed quietly.  
"...ok, yeah no problem man it's cool. See you round!" He hung up and Oli panicked.

"What did Josh want?!"

"Well you left a note saying you were going to see him and Hannah called him cause she wanted to talk to you and guess what? You weren't there. That poor bastard has been ringing everyone trying to find out where you were."

"Shit...shit! She was meant to be out for hours yet - the note was just in case she got back before me."

"Well, she definitely did that..." Jordan leant back against the bed, post-coital bliss shattered, folded his arms and watched Oli frantically redress.

"It's two days now."

"I know."

"Oli-"

"I don't know what to do, Jordan!! I don't fucking know, ok?!" Oli shouted then flopped down on the bed, defeated.  
"I'm sorry. Fuck, I only just met you a couple of days ago and you're having to see this-" He apologised, wiping his tearful eyes on his arm.

"I don't care about that. Just..figure it out, ok? I like you...I don’t want you to be in this kinda pain - however it works out.” He said softly, rubbing Oli’s shoulder.

Oli couldn’t deal with how those words made him feel, so he left soon after. Jordan cursed himself for being so honest.


	3. Chapter 3

Hannah was not impressed - at all. Oli just accepted the fact she was going to be pissed for a while and let her vent it out. He felt oddly calm. But that didn’t help him decide what to do at all. Was he calm because he’d got “it” out of his system and could finally marry Hannah in peace? Or was he calm because he’d resigned himself to the fact that this marriage was a total sham and never going to happen?

Hannah got off the phone with her beautician friend who was going to do her hair and makeup with a squeal through a massive grin. A wave of affection hit Oli and he kissed her on the head.

“You excited, babe?” She hugged him tightly.

“I can’t wait. Thank you for putting up with my mood swings...I’m just so excited to be your wife I want it all to go perfectly. I love you so much.”

“I love you too.” They kissed gently and then she ran off to get her rain jacket. Oli felt nauseous. The thought of telling Hannah...the knowledge it would ruin everything. He couldn’t lose her. She was so adorable, so fierce, so beautiful. He just couldn’t lose her.

The journey to Brighton felt quicker than usual and within an hour they were in the field, in the pouring rain, helping the marquee guys put up the giant white tent.

“Yo! How’s it going here?” Jordan turned up in yellow Wellington boots and a bright green rain coat, wearing a huge smile.

“You look fabulous.” Oli commented making them both laugh.

“Thank you, thank you. Gotta fly the flag yknow - don’t want any hot guys to think I’m straight and not ask me out.” He said pointedly to one of the marquee guys who just laughed at him, clearly straight.

“Worth a shot.” Jordan said shamelessly. Oli felt jealous watching the transaction and sick when his two lovers hugged tightly.

“Thank you so much for coming to help you didn’t need to get here so early!” Hannah said gratefully.

“I know but...I didn’t want to miss any of it. You’re both great people.” She hugged him again and he gave Oli a very sincere, supportive smile.

“I wanted to help in any way I could. Now- let’s get some tunes playing to make this more fun! The lights are in the van - thank god you chose outdoor ones - let’s just pray it doesn’t get stuck on the grass!” Oli wondered how he was holding it together so well as he bounced off to the van and turned up his music which was currently Madonna.

“Could you be any more flamboyant if you tried?” Oli asked him as he reached the van, amused.

“Oh honey you have no idea.” They shared a knowing look.

“How are you feeling?” Jordan asked quietly.

“Ok. You?”

“Not bad. I guess..I don’t know, I guess I realised you made your choice and I have to be cool with that. It was fun while it lasted.” Oli realised Jordan thought he’d chosen Hannah. Then he realised he had, and the thought of not seeing Jordan again made him panic.

“I-“

“Let’s get these bad boys up and running!” He marched off with a box of lanterns in his arms.

Hannah was thrilled with the lighting choices. Thank god. Over the day a few of their close friends and immediate family showed up to help. It made it harder for Oli to talk to Jordan as he was so good at talking to everyone and keeping busy. Avoiding Oli, possibly?

“Can we talk?” Oli asked, hopping into the van in the evening.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Oli. Let’s just-“ Oli kissed him desperately. Jordan grabbed his shoulders and pushed him back.

“No.”

“But I can’t-“

“You made your choice. And I’m totally fine with that - but you don’t get to do both. You stick with it.”

“I’ve never felt like this before.” Oli admitted as Jordan tried to leave.

“Don’t say that. It’s not fair.”

“I know but I can’t help it.” Jordan sighed.

“So what are you suggesting we do? Are you getting married the day after tomorrow?”

“I...don’t know.”

“I think we both know that means yes.” Jordan jumped out and walked away.

Oli rubbed his face wearily and Hannah made him jump.  
“Hey! What you doing?”

“Oh! Just- making sure we got all the lights. We did, all done.” He hopped out the van and she pulled him by the hand down to the beach. The footpath had been decorated by her mum and aunties with homemade bunting and lights. It was beautiful.

“I can’t wait to walk up here with you as man and wife.” She said sweetly, kissing him softly.

“Me too.” She headed back up to their families and he sat on the beach. The rain had settled into a gentle spattering which he didn’t mind.

His head was all over the place. He was panicking horribly and had no clue how to get out of the grave he’d dug for himself.

The following day was so hectic with guests, caterers, florists, that Oli had no time to think about Jordan. It was a relief and despite himself, everyone’s excitement was infectious and he found himself feeling surprisingly upbeat.

Jordan saw how happy Oli was that day. Maybe he shouldn’t be there. He considered faking food poisoning from a restaurant but couldn’t go through with it as Hannah kept proudly introducing him to people and singing his praises. Especially to her parents.

“Guys this is Jordan our wedding angel! He did all the lights and he’s doing the music tomorrow he’s officially amazing! Jordan this is my mum and dad! Ooh that’s Kelly here with the table settings, I gotta go!”

“Jordan hello. Thank you for all your help, Hannah has been so stressed and she’s been so much happier since meeting you. You’ve really taken the pressure off of them.” Her mum said kindly.

“Oh, thank you. I think they’ve both just felt better the closer it’s gotten to it y’know?”

“Are you married? You seem to be very clued up about it all.”

“Oh, no I’m not...I uh...I guess I’ve not really met the right guy yet.”

“Aw...I know that look - you’re in love but it didn’t work out? I’m sorry honey.”

“Oh, no it’s ok...he just...he...didn’t choose me, I guess is the most blunt way to put it.” She tilted her head affectionately.

“Well it’s his loss. You’ll meet someone better.”

“Oh my gosh are you consoling him about his love life? Don’t even get me started his choices are always totally hopeless.”

“Oh hey Em! This is Hannah’s mother, Maria-“ Em covered her shocked face very well.

“Oh hello! So nice to meet you- Jordan can I talk to you please?” She practically dragged him away.

“What are you thinking talking to that woman about Oli?”

“She has no idea who I’m talking about - anyway what are you doing here today?”

“I came to drag you away because I know you’re in a sucky situation. Don’t stay here, Jordan.”

“Don’t worry. I’ve accepted it, I’m just gonna avoid Oli until it’s all over and I can leave all this behind me. Now - let’s go get some dinner.” He flung an arm round his friend’s shoulders and they headed off to their favourite restaurant.

 

He would avoid Oli at all costs. He would go to the wedding. He would not let Oli get distracted by him. He would perform his ass off and make sure that Hannah got the wedding she wanted. And he would pretend he was over the moon, despite wanting nothing more than for Oli to call it all off.

He sat in his apartment that night with a beer and regretted all of his rash choices since he’d met the handsome singer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you’re enjoying this story so far! Let me know your thoughts + critiques in the comments section! :D


	4. Chapter 4

The big day arrived with bright sunshine and calmed winds. Oli hadn’t slept, his brother - and best man - knew he was nervous but he just thought it was wedding jitters. He made him down a shot of vodka which, despite being t-total for years, Oli gulped back quickly - needing a little jolt of Dutch courage.

“Ok big man let’s get you ready.” Oli was grateful for his brother’s steady and lightly amused presence which guided him through the motions firmly.

Jordan buried his feelings so far down that his nerves and fear translated to everyone else as jittery excitement. Guests poured onto the beautifully decorated beach and assembled. As Jordan found his seat on the edge of a row halfway through the crowd, the reality that it was going to happen really began to set in.

Hannah’s dress had been handled perfectly, her hair was bundled up loosely with pretty strands around her face. She looked beautiful.

The cake, made by one of Hannah’s skilled friends, arrived in pristine condition and was set up on the head table by the caterers.

The florist made the final touches to the wild flower arrangements, none had wilted, all staying perky for the eyes of the guests and bride and groom.

Oli stood at the makeshift alter with the humanist celebrant and his brother. He couldn’t turn around, he knew he’d look for Jordan and once he saw him he’d make him shake. He’d lose focus. He wouldn’t be able to think straight.  
“You alright there buddy? You’re looking a little pale.” Tom whispered.

“Yeah...mhm...yep. Fine.” He exhaled shakily and then the music started. He swallowed bile.

“All rise.” The celebrant said happily. Oli turned slowly and saw Hannah coming towards him slowly, flowers in hand, delicate tendrils of hair and chiffon swirling around her in the breeze. And he felt better. The relief made him smile and he heard the click of the camera. The photographer obviously thought it was a perfect moment to capture, the groom smiling at the sight of his bride. Then Oli caught sight of Jordan at the side of the aisle. His hair was slicked to the side perfectly, his grey suit and subtle floral shirt complimented his skin. Those bright blue eyes were wide, and watery, but he smiled and nodded at Oli supportively. Oli had to look away, the moment suddenly threatening to break his composure and make him weep. Tom clapped him on the shoulder, everyone thought it was adorable that he was getting emotional. Oli realised how deceptive it all was. His heart rate rose and he felt hot.

Hannah smiled up at him, blinking watery eyes, and Oli felt disgusting for betraying such a wonderful woman’s trust.

“Do you, Oli, take Hannah to be your wife through the good and the bad, the happiness and sadness, joy and loss, until death parts you?” 

Oli glanced at Jordan, his seat was empty. He was gone.

“....I do.”

In under thirty minutes, the ceremony was over. In another ten, everyone had herded up to the marquee and the celebrations began.

The speeches were hilarious, Oli consumed a few secret alcoholic drinks to help numb his feelings and tried not to watch Jordan’s every move.

Once they’d all eaten and drank too much the party started. The tables were moved to the side and a dance floor was born. Jordan made everyone cry when he sang their song for the first dance. Watching them was torture, especially when Oli’s eyes flicked up to his. So he closed his eyes and focused on the music. Just the music. It would see him through.

Jordan got drunk on the beach once the party was finally over. He hadn’t been able to sit there and watch when it came to it. He knew deep down that Oli wasn’t going to call it off. The pressure of it all, the stress and knowing it was his fault he was in such a bad situation was too much to bear. He passed out somewhere around seven the next morning, the waves just about reaching his feet.

The honeymoon seemed to last a lot longer than two weeks. They went to Thailand and spent almost the entire time on the beach. Oli was a mess of emotions. He was happy and comfortable with Hannah, and still mourning the loss of Jordan, who he felt sure he’d never see again. The separation did both men good, however.

Until, that is, it came to Bring Me The Horizon’s next band meeting.

Oli had been caught up in mountains of holiday laundry as Hannah had returned to work, her tattoo clients piled up after two weeks absence. The week after their return passed quickly and then before he knew it, it was time for the band meeting. He wasn’t particularly looking forward to it. He knew they had to find another keyboard player / singer as Jona had left, and he knew they needed to take their music in another direction in order to grow and reflect their maturing as men and musicians - but he didn’t have any suggestions on how to achieve any of it.

It was so fun to see the other band members again, Oli realised how much he’d missed hanging out with all of them again. Then Matt brought up the band vacancy. Oli nodded along with everything they said until they all sort of fell quiet, almost expecting him to know who they should ask to join.

“I..honestly don’t have anyone in mind yet.”

“No worries because...we do. While you were on holiday we sort of connected more with this guy and he’s just so cool and he’s a really great musician and we all think he’s perfect for what we want to achieve within the next couple of years.” Matt K. explained tactfully.

“Oh, wow that’s great - who is it?”

“Well...Jordan.” Oli’s stomach did the equivalent of a priceless ancient vase being dropped off a tall building and shattering into a million pieces.

“Jordan...right.”

“What do you think? I mean we should definitely give him a trial at least, but we thought you guys got on so well around the wedding that we’d try to get to know him better - 

“He was really reluctant at first, I think he’s really modest about his music - but I think we’ve talked him round to the idea.” Oli felt slightly better, so at least Jordan hadn’t been trying to push his way into the band.

“Yeah...yeah for sure we’ve got to give him a practise run. Let’s jam.” They were all so excited at Oli’s approval of their plan that they didn’t notice the hoarse note to his voice or the way his skin paled.


	5. Chapter 5

Hannah’s next grand idea was that they should move from their apartment to a house. Between that when Oli got home and hanging out with the band who constantly spoke about and to Jordan over the phone, that week was pure hell and his stress started to show.

Jordan stood outside the studio when he arrived, hand hesitating on the handle. He hadn’t been so petrified in years. He didn’t want to see Oli, but he also desperately did. More than anything. And he hated himself for feeling so pathetic.

When Jordan showed up to the band meeting for his first jam with them, Oli was the last to greet him, once all the others had gone to get the equipment set up.  
“Hey.” He said, mouth dry.

“Hi.” Jordan looked tired, scruffy, very pale. “You look good.” He said to Oli. He shrugged.

“Holiday and whatnot.”

“Yeah...look I dont want you to think I....orchestrated this - the guys were so keen on it and I kept making excuses but I didn’t know what to say in the end and-“ Oli interrupted his quick explanation by stepping in close to him. It was just...instinct, he couldn’t stop himself. Jordan’s hands fluttered to the wall behind him for balance.

“Don’t-“

“I can’t...stop...” Oli murmured, only millimetres away from Jordan’s lips.

“Oli...” a loud clatter from the next room made them jump apart and Oli sighed as a flustered Jordan strode out of the hallway. His heart raced. He was angry. He couldn’t DO this to him anymore. Most of all, Jordan was angry with himself for how badly he wanted him to.

Once the initial awkwardness had ceased and they all got into their creative headspace, the ideas started to bounce round surprisingly easily. Oli was impressed by Jordan’s effect on the band and how they processed their ideas. Everything they did was already sounding so much more mature than their previous music and he loved it. He was excited by it, as were the others.

They packed up to leave for the day from their studio space in London, and the two men found themselves hanging back on purpose.  
“So...how have you been?” Oli asked quietly once they were alone.

“Good and bad.” Jordan admitted, a little less tense than the morning. Oli closed the gap between them, not knowing what to do. He pulled Jordan into a hug that turned into a tight, desperate cling, both of them breathing the other in and not wanting to let go.

That hug turned into desperate kisses. That turned into the frantic removal of clothes, needing to feel each other’s skin. That turned into Oli sprawled on the arm of the couch and begging Jordan to cum inside as he reached orgasm just from having him inside him again. Jordan collapsed on top of him and they stayed there for a long time before shakily moving to the couch. Jordan lied on Oli’s chest and they held each other gently.

“I’ve fallen in love with you.” Jordan said quietly. He welled up, hearing it out loud was so different from thinking it over and over in his head for weeks on end. The weight of it lifted off his chest and he sobbed at the space it created in his lungs.

“I...I love you too. I...tried not to. But I do. I love you.” They kissed deeply, the moment tainted by sadness and wetness of tears.

“I’m sorry..I didn’t want you to be in this situation-“ Jordan put a finger over Oli’s lips.

“Don’t apologise...I got myself into this, I knew you were getting married and I pushed anyway. But I don’t care about all of that..I’m always the one being chased, breaking up with people, hurting people. I’ve never felt this way before.” Oli kissed him hard.

“I love you.”

The band spent the whole week together, every day was inspiring, productive and fun - and they were all riding the wave of happiness that came with producing quality songs. Every night Oli and Jordan hung back, had sex and spent a couple of hours talking before they both had to go home. 

It was all going well, everyone was happy.

“Please tell me that’s not what I think it is!” Matt shouted one morning, face scrunched up in disgust and holding his hand away from his body.

“I touched it! I fucking touched it - gross!! Which one of you two screwed in here last night?!” The other two fell about laughing when they realised Matt had unwittingly put his hand in a drop of semen that Oli and Jordan had clearly missed during the post-sex clean up. They looked at each other, panicking slightly.

“Uh- sorry man, that was me...but it’s not mine so silver lining, right?” Jordan said, laughing nervously and going to fetch something to clean it up with.

“Jesus man that is gross - he better have been really hot.”

“Oh yeah. Big time.” Matt. K wolf whistled at him.

“Who is he?”

“Probably not gonna see him again but all you need to know is - best. Head. Everrrr....” They all laughed and teased him as he played along with it. Oli smiled at him knowingly and nodded his thanks, raising an eyebrow flirtatiously.

“Is it true that guys give better head than girls? I mean- assuming you’ve slept with a girl before.”

“Dude-“ Matt said to Lee, judging him jokingly.

“What?! Cmon it’s a legit question!”

“Alright alright. Yeah it’s true- guys just know what they like I guess. Even if they’re not that experienced with men, they know how to do it. Women have got to get experience before they can do it well.”

“So what about this guy last night, how come you’re not seeing him again?” Lee asked.

“He’s...not out.” Lee nodded sympathetically.

“How do you deal with that?”

“Have crazy hot sex and then never see each other again. Or...do it on the ‘dl’ I guess.”

“Is he single?” Oli looked a little tense so Jordan tried to diffuse the questions.

“Nope. Serious relationship. Anyway can we get off this topic please?”

“Damn, really? How could you be in like a serious relationship with a woman and have sex with dudes? Like how could you keep that to yourself...?” Matt said, shaking his head slightly. Oli was looking into space now, chewing his lip.

“It’s difficult for some people. Especially if they’re not sure about their sexuality yet. And even if they are...it’s hard to hurt someone you care about isn’t it?” They all had to agree with that, and Oli gave him an appreciative half smile, but Jordan could see the guilt in his weary eyes.

“Anyway - let’s get food before you all start asking me about the so-called ‘Male g-spot.’” Oli chuckled at Jordan’s theatrics as he led the band out who did all indeed start asking him questions about that. Jordan was amazing. So was Hannah. He really had dug himself an incredibly deep and cruel hole.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> What do you think of this chapter? And what do you think will happen next?


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